Even if you’ve spent your whole life avoiding the deep end, this week we’re jumping in anyway because grief is a pool most of us end up swimming in at some point. And if dementia/Alzheimer’s is in the mix, or your Mom has been confused or unresponsive for a long time, it may feel like you’ve already lost her… even while she’s still here. That’s a specific kind of pain, known as anticipatory grief.
Whether you’re the caregiver, the family member, or even the person in hospice, it’s heavy, it’s hard and we’re wading through it with you.
ICYMI (in case you missed it)
💊 CMS identified 15 high-cost drugs for January’s third round of Medicare price cuts.
🐶 In the latest episode of How’s Your Boomer, host Laura House talks aging parents and pets.
💔 America’s favorite Hollywood mom, Catherine O’Hara, has passed away at 71.
It’s Not Good Grief If You’re Drowning
Sadness and loss are a combo familiar to most. But what about the grief that shows up before someone dies? Regular grief is what people expect after someone passes. Anticipatory grief is what happens before. Specifically, it's the grief you feel when you know a loss is coming.
Mourning in advance can look like thinking about the holidays that won’t hit the same, the milestones Mom may miss, and the everyday small stuff that somehow feels giant.
And it’s different for everyone but common symptoms include:
you’re irritable (and everyone is annoying)
you feel anxious or like you can’t fully exhale
you’re sad, then numb, then sad again
you’re stuck in dread mode
you feel guilty about everything (even stuff that makes no sense)
you can’t focus
you forget to eat… or you can’t stop snacking
denial (“maybe this isn’t really happening”)
you’re exhausted but sleep like it’s your first night in a haunted house
Basically, your body and brain are reacting to a threat you can’t fix. Much like disease and aging, anticipatory grief doesn’t follow a clean timeline, but people experiencing it often cycle through:
Acceptance: This is real. A cure isn’t coming.
Reflection/concern: Past arguments. Unsaid things. “What if I had…”
Rehearsal: Planning, paperwork, wishes, “the tough conversations,” and the goodbyes.
Future-tripping. Imagining life without them and grieving that future.
Then you get pulled back to reflection because you saw a photo and now you’re emotionally in 2009. Totally normal. Nothing about this is linear.
To keep functioning:
Talk to someone. A friend, family member, chaplain, social worker, therapist, support group. Grief gets louder in isolation.
Get it out of your head. Journal, voice memo, notes app — anywhere your brain can unload.
Do the basics. Food, water, sleep, movement. Not to fix grief, but to keep it from flattening you.
Ground yourself. Meditation, prayer, breathing, or a walk.
Don’t bottle it “for Dad’s sake”. Stuffed feelings don’t disappear, they’ll squeeze out eventually.
Ask the hospice team what to expect. Uncertainty is gasoline. Information helps.
One more thing most people don’t know: hospice usually includes bereavement support for family members, often for months after death. Ask what’s available.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, panicky, or like you can’t function or you’re in crisis, please reach out for immediate support:
988 Lifeline: Suicide & Crisis Lifeline accessible via call, text, or chat 24/7.
The Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline: Call 800-272-3900 for support while caring for someone living with Alzheimer’s or other dementias.
NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness for emotional support and mental health resources.
Veterans Crisis Line: Support domestically and overseas for veterans, text 838255, call, or chat online, available 24/7.
What’s Good
Helpful care-focused finds we’ve identified and researched so you don’t have to.
Well known for trauma-informed fertility care, holistic practitioner Dr. Julie Von is returning to her roots. Born at West Point and raised by an airborne infantry Ranger, Von saw early what happens when combat trauma follows a parent home. Her father served three tours in Vietnam, yet his PTSD wasn’t fully recognized until decades later.
Now, Von is focused on how PTSD and chronic stress impact the nervous system and the families shaped by it. That perspective led her to create The Veteran’s Family Guide, a practical resource for caregivers and adult children of veterans to help ask better questions, find the right support, and navigate what’s next.
Parenting Parents
You said it. This week’s submissions.
“Dad asked me to help put on his shirt. I gently told him he already had it on... he laughed.”
“My 90 year old mother said she'd walk slowly on purpose.”
“Said, ‘I love you,’ to Dad last night. He responded with, ‘later.’”
“Being called to pick up Dad from jail after he was arrested for a DUI… finding this unbelievable.”
“Mom is convinced the power grid is down every night because it's dark in her bedroom.”
