Happy one week of wearing boot cut jeans again! If last week’s Super Bowl halftime performance has you feeling nostalgic for the late 90’s, early aughts, we get it, we’re there too. Times were simpler, we were still a few years away from social media, you were still on your parents insurance and your biggest concern was what college bar had 2 for 1 night. You hadn’t yet started raising kids and most certainly, not your parents either. 

We’re in it with you, we were feeling a little stuck, so we phoned a friend. The Gray Monster team connected with a PhD level researcher, clinician, and owner of a practice of Marriage and Family Therapy in Colorado to get some expert advice on how best to navigate the changing adult child - parent dynamic. He charges by the hour so we tried our best to get our money’s worth. 

We know you were a perfect teenager. A dream child, really. Never talked back to your parents. Not an eyeroll to be found. You were an absolute star adolescent. However, we’re fairly certain you had a friend or two who wasn't like you. They argued incessantly with their ‘rents. Obviously, all their moms' gray hair had to come from somewhere. 

Time flew by and before you even properly relived your high school glory days at your best friend’s wedding, your parents started to seem less like the mom and dad of your youth and more like the old couple who lived down the street growing up. And, then your friends' relationship with their parents started to look eerily like that of your own. 

Don’t even get us started on the holidays and family get-togethers. We’ve all  experienced seeing that one aunt or uncle or in-law at a celebratory dinner, wondering what they’re going to come up with this time - whether it’s going to be a joke or a backhanded compliment about your kids, your life plans, what you’re eating, your hair. Please pass the gravy and kindly STFU, Aunt Cindy. 

While we’re not quite sure how it happened, we’re here now, caring for an aging parent or even that one relative that you always had a really hard time getting along with, and they really need you, but damn, the relationship is just as challenging as it ever was. All those boundaries you picked up in therapy are hard to apply when you’re navigating dad’s medical issues, trying to decide where/how he lives, or helping him make estate decisions. You may notice yourself feeling - or even acting - like a teenager again, and not in the homecoming queen / star soccer player / all AP classes stud that we know you were kind of way. 

Looking for ways to make the relationship a little bit easier?  Like Kendrick Lamar’s Super Bowl halftime performance, there’s layers to this, so hear us out.  

👷 Find a foundation: Try to build an adult relationship with your dad that’s not based on your old relationship (parent-child) but on something you could have in common, like an interest or a new hobby you can do together. Easier said than done, we know. Research tells us that people who need to problem-solve together do so more effectively when they have an active, common link. Have a show you watch, music you share, something you’re learning/doing together (knitting, baking, reading a book series out loud, listening to the same true crime podcast, etc.), so that you are actually building new experiences in small ways. It will reduce conflict over time. And you’ll have something more positive to discuss than your weird second cousin because, he’s well…weird.  

🩹 Avoid new wounds: Make a respectful agreement that you try to stay out of hot-spot topics with mom, with the knowledge that one of you will likely over-step and you’ll have to gently hold the boundary. For example, agree that politics, religion, The Real Housewives, your weight and diet (or theirs), her personal habits or yours, conflicting parenting views - may not lend itself to closeness. If mom grumbles that you’re very sensitive and always have been, well then, she sucks. We’re kidding! But, you may have to let a few comments slide to keep long-term peace.

🗑️ Know how to let things go: Again, we know you’re close to perfect. But we haven’t met your parents. While you can’t control what your mom does or thinks or says (we saw her FB post - oof), you do have a choice about how to react to it. Abuse is never okay - that’s baseline. But it doesn’t help you to perseverate on a passive aggressive comment or try to force your mom to take it back. Know your triggers and know that if you’re getting escalated, you need space to cool down - at least 20 minutes where your mind is on something else. Personally, we’re big fans of TikTok doom scrolling but you do you. Give yourself some love, figure out why what she said hurt, and write down what you would have liked her to say to you, either now or back in your childhood. We’re also normalizing calling your best friend/spouse/sibling for a good ol’ fashioned yapping sesh. Bonus points if they know your mom. 😉

🔬 Act like a conflict scientist: Time to channel your inner Bill Nye. For those VERY rare times you’re not perfect, collect a bit of info on what context you both argue in and what you don’t. Data shows that most people have defined patterns for arguments. They have specific rooms, times of day, and verbal patterns for how/when/where they conflict. Some people argue more over dinner, in the car, in kitchens, in certain positions on the couch, in the evenings after work, in the morning before coffee kicks in. Once you know your pattern, set yourself up for success. Probably goes without saying but imbibing while having difficult discussions isn’t recommended. Shift the pattern even slightly to get better results.

🤏 One thing at a time, in a small amount of time: Try to handle one issue at a time and take space between big issue discussions. Give dad a heads up about what you’d like to talk about and what you’d like to try to get done with her, so that you’re not catching him unprepared. Don’t try to complete something large in scope in one day: see if you can break tasks down into the smallest chunks that you can. Set a time limit on the conversation (don’t exhaust him or yourself), and if you’re not getting it done, table the conversation respectfully.  

🫶 Help your empathy kick in: Try on dad’s glasses, so to speak. You may have always had beef with his way of doing things, and you may be justified. But getting older is pretty damn difficult. It involves almost impossible levels of adaptation, accommodation to others and to unwanted circumstances, agreements you don’t want to make, and adjustments to yourself and others that you don’t feel like you’re agreeing to -  it feels forced even in loving situations. If you’re noticing dad acting in a way that feels infuriating, before you react, please imagine wearing his glasses to see the world through his eyes for a few minutes. Step out of the room and take a few deep breaths and give yourself some affirmation for doing so. Now is also a much better time for a drink - you were a real grown-up - f*ck yeah!

🛁 Practice strategic self-care: This can be one of the most difficult parts of caring for an aging parent. Make sure you’re taking good care of yourself while you’re caring for your mom. Try not to get isolated. Join a group, even online, of other caregivers who are in similar situations. Get some movement, get sunlight, and eat in ways that make you feel your best. Make time for a lunch date. Get those nails done. Care for yourself spiritually. And get your gratitude on! Find at least one thing to be grateful for every day, write it down, and use that as a jumping off point for the challenges ahead that day. Because even if the only one who sees it is mom and her oncologist, be thankful for that good hair day you’re having.    

🧠 Get real help: We really mean this one. If you’re really stuck in one or more areas, if you are experiencing or witnessing what you believe is emotional or physical abuse, find a family therapist who is trained and licensed and/or call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233. A family therapist can help you to get past the areas where you’re feeling caught and support you. Being a caregiver does have measurable effects on our emotional, mental, and physical health. We’ll save the financial health piece of it for a future newsletter. We absolutely need to take care of ourselves and each other. 

Hang in there. We think you’re doing great. And we really do think you’re perfect too.

🚬 Seth Rogen has come a long way since Pineapple Express. As co-founder of Hilarity for Charity (HFC), Seth, with his wife, Lauren Miller Rogen, hosted CareCon, a virtual event designed to inspire and educate Alzheimer’s and dementia caregivers. Pro tip - check out HFC’s Caregiver Road Trip - it’s like Waze for managing the care of your loved one with Alzheimer’s. Celebs - they’re just like us.