Dad’s never going to admit he has a favorite child. And despite everything you do for him, there’s a decent chance it’s still your brother. 

He lives close by. He handles the bills, the prescriptions, and the bank login. Helpful, until he starts helping himself.

🏁 NASCAR legend Darrell Waltrip is stepping away from public life after being diagnosed with frontotemporal degeneration, a progressive form of dementia that can affect personality, behavior and language.

🏃 Ian Winship ran a 10K in 1:04:37, believed to be the fastest 10K ever by a 90-year-old man. He still walks about 20,000 steps a day and ran the race with his daughter and grandson.

💗 Dugan Meredith cares for his grandmother with dementia and has turned his viral “Taking Care of Granny” social media following into a nonprofit supporting other caregivers.

💰 USU researchers received a $1.6 million Department of Defense grant to expand digital mental-health interventions for dementia caregivers.

According to the U.S. Treasury’s Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN), about one in five reported cases of elder financial exploitation involved theft by someone the older adult knew and trusted, with adult children the most frequently reported perpetrators. And even that likely understates the problem. Research funded by the National Institute of Justice found that 87.5% of financial abuse committed by family members, friends, or acquaintances was never reported to authorities.

Dad mentions helping your brother with some money, but can’t remember how much. There’s a withdrawal you didn’t know about. Your brother says he’s just covering expenses, but nobody seems to know which ones. Maybe he has power of attorney and has become the only person who really knows what’s coming in and going out. And pretty quickly, you’re wondering whether your brother is actually stealing from Dad

This is about more than making Thanksgiving awkward. Financial exploitation by someone an older adult knows is very real. The Department of Justice includes misuse of a power of attorney, unauthorized use of bank or credit cards, and pressuring someone to transfer money or property among the ways it can happen.

But before you play Perry Mason with Dad’s pension, here are a few things worth figuring out.

1. Did Dad actually give him the money?

Start here, even if you suspect you already know the answer. If Dad understands what he’s doing and wants to give your brother $5,000, $50,000 or the Buick, generally speaking, he can. Getting older doesn’t automatically strip someone of the right to make financial decisions their children wouldn’t make themselves.

What you’re trying to understand is how the decision was made. Did Dad understand how much money was involved? Did he make the choice voluntarily? Did he understand what it would leave him with afterward? Dementia, other cognitive changes, or pressure from another person can make those questions harder to answer.

If you can, talk to Dad before confronting your brother. Something as simple as, “Dad, you mentioned helping Mark with some money. Can you tell me about that?” will usually get you farther than opening with an accusation.

2. Does Dad understand what’s happening?

Memory loss by itself doesn’t tell you whether Dad can make a particular financial decision. Someone can have cognitive impairment and still understand some choices, and capacity can depend on the complexity of the decision.

Listen to how Dad explains it. Does he know roughly how much money was involved and why he gave it? Does the decision fit with the way he has handled money in the past? A parent who has helped one child financially for decades presents a different picture from someone who suddenly starts transferring large sums after years of being careful with money.

Also pay attention to pressure or isolation. The DOJ identifies deception, intimidation and undue influence as common features of financial exploitation.

3. Does your brother have power of attorney?

This is important because a power of attorney can give someone broad access to Dad’s finances without turning Dad’s money into theirs.

A financial POA allows the person named as agent to act on Dad’s behalf within the authority granted by the document. Misusing that authority for personal benefit can cross into financial exploitation.

If your brother has POA, get a copy and read it. What powers does it actually give him? When did it become effective? Does it allow gifts? Are there accounting requirements? State law also comes into play, so the actual document is more useful than everyone’s recollection of what Dad signed ten years ago.

4. Can you follow the money?

Family lore is not an audit.

Before making accusations, figure out what you can document. Bank and credit-card statements, checks, ATM withdrawals, transfers, property records, and large purchases can start to fill in the picture. If your brother says he has been reimbursing himself for Dad’s expenses, ask what those expenses were and whether there are receipts or other records.

A check written to your brother doesn’t tell you much on its own. It could cover months of groceries, home repairs, medical supplies or caregiving expenses. The surrounding records help establish what was happening and whether Dad knew about it.

Good records are especially important when one child is managing most of a parent’s finances. They can protect Dad, and they can also protect the person doing the caregiving from accusations later.

5. What if something really looks wrong?

Once you’ve found transactions Dad didn’t authorize, unexplained transfers, forged signatures, misuse of a POA, or other serious concerns, bring in people outside the sibling dispute.

If Dad can participate, keep him involved. His bank or financial institution may be able to review suspicious activity or help secure an account. An elder-law attorney can advise on a POA, trust, deed, questionable transfer or other legal issue.

Adult Protective Services or searching Eldercare Locator are good places to start if you suspect financial exploitation of a vulnerable older adult. If you believe a crime has been committed, you can also contact local law enforcement, and if there’s immediate danger, call 911. Depending on the circumstances and state law, there may also be ways to request an accounting, challenge someone’s authority under a POA, or try to recover money that was improperly taken.

Unequal treatment between siblings can be hurtful and still be completely legitimate. Dad may be paying your brother for caregiving, helping him through a rough patch, or continuing a financial arrangement that’s been in place for years. The problem is when no one else knows about it. When possible, families should get on the same page about who’s handling the money, what Dad has agreed to, and what’s being paid for. A little transparency now can prevent a lot of suspicion later.

You can’t fail this one. Answers and another quiz drop next week.

You said it. This week’s submissions.

"Dad spent 20 minutes looking for his phone while talking to me on it."

“Driving my mom’s car from TX to NC so she can live closer to us.”

"Moved Mom into memory care, apart from Dad. Balancing his need to see her with her not recognizing him and introducing another man as her husband."

"It was a quiet week but it's still not relaxing, even when I'm not in parenting parents mode."

"I’m having a hard time caring for my mom when she still can’t take accountability for the ways she hurt me and my siblings."

"Dad got hearing aids and now keeps taking them out because apparently we were all more pleasant when he couldn’t hear us."

"Caregiving for my struggling mom as she settles her own mom's estate."